yes, ive decided to delete todays earlier post
and amend every single word cause im very very pissed.

whats with today's monday?
why does EVERYONE seems to provoke me?
what the fuck have i done.

my morning was already bad enough,
followed by what i saw when i get online.
i slept on it and woke up with major headache.
went online, stumbled upon something worst.
great. i can just go kill myself.

it was more of a fucked up monday then
a monday blues. didnt catch enough sleep
last night, stayed up to mugg and morning
have to be such an arse, it was very chilly.
as thou it was snowing. i did fall asleep for
a while on my study's and my alarm goes off,
woke up, walked to the bathroom and my
feet was like zomg. the tiles were almost
icy.showered, dozed off at the couch after
i got dressed, then heard mom calling out my name
saying im gonna be late.


i swear to god, todays
journey to school is super draggy. unlike other days
(which were draggy too, but just mild). almost late
for my paper, the darn bus.(see even the public's
not on my side). boost up some confidence level
before entering the examination hall. settled down
and guess what?


NONE OF THE STUFFS I STUDIED CAME OUT.
jaw dropped, mind whirlwind, wanting to break down
and my brain totally shut off. it was horrible.
very terribly horrible. it was scary.
the words seems to like jumble up and
it was everywhere in the papers.
and five minutes later, they announced that
we could start the paper.


START MY ARSE LA, NONE I STUDIED CAME OUT.

i panicked when the candidate next to me
start scribbling vigorously. i wrote my name
and dozed off. yea, i was too tired to function.
woke up fifteen minutes later and start
scribbling nonsense as my answers. well,
im always reminded that, even if i dont know
the answers, atleast write something.
which i did and i feel crapp, still.


like an hour later, i raised up my hand,
i told the invigilator to hand in my paper for me
i was like,

"this is it, the more i look at this damn thing,
the more pissed im gonna get, and nothing is gonna
come out of it, so screw it"

left the hall, called meibe and lunched before
we heed home. journey back was worst. but i quicken
my pace cause i cant wait to get home to get some
sleep. deprived. but when i reached home,
i got the urge to go online. cause yesterday
almost the entire day i was mugging and
i didnt have time to log on.

logged into msn, browse to see whos online
and i saw something i really dont like.
this,

J.son - i dreamt of QING!!!! i just cant get you out of my head

one of the nicks under my contacts.
my heart shattered. really shattered.
i controlled my tears cause my brother was in
the room, reading some stuffs.

when my brother left, i broke down.
i just dont get it why he can treat me
as thou im just a piece of __________.
weeks ago, i deleted you off my list.
cause i wanted to move on.
(to those who thinks that im not tryin, _|_)
then this morning, i logged on msn for a while
around one plus, i was almost breaking down
and i change my subnick to 'someone please cheer me up'.
you private message me, giving me a hug and telling
me you can cheer me up.

i dont get it, why?
why do you have to do this?
youre just letting me hang by the thread.

so i cried, slept on it, woke up
with this horrible headache. head for
cold shower, had dinner and came online
to organise my iPod. and the best part,
i clicked on the new msn thingy
and now, my msn is screwed! i need help.

anyone?

so came online, looking thru my folders
for my songs when i stumbled upon this picture.
it has a link and it leads to something.
so i went to check it out.
and guess what. its a xanga of someone i know.
no name, just some id which doesnt help
and i read. then i realised it was H.

so i got curious. i wonder if he blogs abt
the day we went out. so i read and read
and i saw the post. so he did blogged abt it,
i thought. as i continue reading,
those words he blogged abt isnt something nice.
and its about me and our 'date'. from the way
i turned out something not what he expected,
to the horrible date and to me pouring
out my problems and almost calling me
a psycho.he made me sound as thou
the whole date was just a fucked up meet up.

i thought he was different. well he is.
cause hes the first malay guy i ever dated.
the FIRST. he just prove me right that
all malay guys are arse. seriously.
he faked it so well and so much for saying
he dont like plastic people. riiiiiiight.
im not cranked up cause he blogged bad stuffs
about me, i respect his space, his blog, his say.
what im disappointed is that, why didnt he tell me
all those? its not that IM GONNA FALL FOR HIM.
no way, hes a blardy malay dude.


even if the date was horrible, by end of the
date, just tell me what went wrong blah blah
atleast i know, its my fucking first time going out
with a fucking malay guy and i need to know where
ive gone wrong.


im really upset with him, i didnt expect him
to be this way, i admit hes a lil upper class
than those typical mats. but now,
i think a lil upper class or not, malay dudes
are all screwed up morons.

lene's haters :
you can say anything about me.
from me dating non halal stuff as what you claimed,
saying that my cunt smells like drain cause
you said i fcuked chinese boys (like how
did YOU know, i screwed chinese boys? i dont
remember telling you abt it, so stop assuming) and
saying ive a rotten mouth and a corroding tongue
cause i made out with chinese boys.
youre sucha boohoo.

i just dont feel good today.
judging from the fucked up day i had.
one after another. and major/last paper tomorrow.
im seriously very stress. my anxiety levels up.
and i can see myself drowning in depression again.


save me someone?

Labels: fucked up